...i am a princess on the way to my throne...


Regrets and Knee-Jerk Reactions 

You know, I knew I would regret yesterday's entry.

After re-reading it this morning, I saw how unfruitful it was and I'm sorry for it. Whether or not someone has a problem with me is not the point; it's my reaction that counts. Of course, that is the crux of this whole mess and why I've cut back on the boards in the first place. I've had a difficult time maintaining a balance, and because of that I've been quick to assume and slow to reason. The truth is, I've taken someone else's problem and made it my problem, and then by proxy of my entry I've made it everyone else's problem. I did not stop to "listen" to what was really going on but just jumped in head first and came up sputtering.

And while I didn't end up crying after all, I did end up stewing, which can be worse.

I've also learned a little something about myself and that is perhaps I hold myself up on a pedestal. I expect a certain type of behavoir for myself, and I've worked very hard at it over the past five years to execute that behavoir. Whenever I have a meltdown (kinda like yesterday, hmm?) nothing but blech comes from it and I instantly regret it. I am my worst critic and my worse source for misunderstandings. I am harder on myself than anyone else, but that is because I take the "Do Unto Others" mantra extremely seriously. If I fail at whatever my expectation for myself is for the day, then I berate myself. The way I see it, Christ didn't die and rise again for me so I can go around smearing poop on people's faces, no indeed. There are enough people out there willing to be Poop-Meisters without my adding to the fray. I am supposed to be salt and light, not vinegar and darkness.

So, with that in mind, I do apologize for my freak out yesterday. I appreciate that so many people extended their arms to me and I love you all for it. The truth, however, is that I should have just chilled out and not let it bother me. People are certainly entitled to believe what they choose, and I honestly do not hold anyone ill will over it. As a matter of fact, when I was stitching the instanity known as Summer Queen last night (my personal method of self-punishment) I actually felt calm and at peace. It was as if this revelation stuck for the first time. I've always wanted people to like me and approve of me, to the point of where I would get physically ill if they didn't. But last night, it was as if a massive lightbulb finally blinked on and the ephiphany was as follows: Hello!! Not everyone has to approve of what you do or think, you know! It's okay for them not to like you or what you do! You'll live! Ya see??? I'm your epiphany here!! Are you getting this, chiquita?

Well. I finally get it. After 36 years, I think I finally get it. That is not to say I won't still get hurt or be disappointed (or even have a flake out or two), but it is to say that you all have something in print to point me to when these things do happen to say, "See, Prin? You 'got' it once, you can 'get' it again!"

And you know, the truth is that there are people dealing with real problems that make mine so pale in comparison. There's Angi, my dear sweet Angi, who wrestles with finances and a brilliant but special needs child every day of her life. There is Melissa, whose beloved father is terminally ill. There's Sherry, who is approaching the anniversary of the miscarriage of a very much wanted child. And there's Haze, whose dealing with a young grandaughter and an uncertain future. I could go on and on, but we all know someone with an issue that is cause for great concern. It makes my post yesterday seem so petty.

I just wanted you all to know this. I felt it was important to share these things with you and let you know that, for once, I feel free. Free to be me and free to let others be themselves, whether they agree with me or even "like" me. It won't change what I believe or who I am or what I say, but it may give me a little inner peace.

And couldn't we all use a little peace now and then?

Mah mood:turning over a new leaf
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