As if we need to say anymore about that.

I woke up this morning to rain. I was warm and comfortable, and the prospect of dragging the kiddos out of their beds and into the cool of the day did not jive well with me. Then I remembered how David's K5 class did not get to complete their Christmas sweatshirt projects on Friday, and knew it wouldn't be fair for him to miss that just because his mother is too lazy to drag her big butt out of bed, so I did just that; dragged my big butt out of bed. Although, according to the scale, it's a butt that is ten pounds less than it was a week ago, so that was a little bit of sunshine on this dreary day.

Yesterday was nice. Church was great, except I've worn out my voice a little from singing so hard. Sometimes the music starts pumping, the Spirit starts moving, and the people start praising...and then I end up with a slightly sore throat the next morning. Oh well, no big deal; I figure if people can scream their heads off like maniacs at football games or rock concerts, then the very least I can do is open praise the God of the universe like He deserves. What's a little sore throat in the company of the King?

I've been knitting away on my scarf, until I discovered Lion Brand's Wool-Ease. This stuff is soft and *wonderful* to work with! I think it's become one of my favorite yarns. I have the Blue Heather and White Multi (this one has an opalescent thread running through it) and I am going to make a scarf with them using the basic garter stitch. I wish I was a fast knitter, but if I'm consistent I should be done in time for when it *really* (ha ha) gets cold here (today it's kind-of-cool-so-so, while yesterday it felt like we were being visited by the Bahamas in spring...with rain).

I've been dealing with something lately, something that has been giving me a very difficult time. Last spring Robert and I asked our best friends if they would consider becoming the guardians of our children if Robert and I died. We've been thinking about making our wills, and we wanted to be sure the children would be provided for. The kids are very close to our friends (and vice-versa), and we all have the same values so we thought it would be the perfect fit. They said of course they would think about it and let us know. We knew it was a very big decision for someone to make, so of course we gave them all the time they wanted. The months went by and we did not hear anything from them about it, so I thought maybe they forgot.
Fast forward to November: I finally asked my best have to say no. She said that she just didn't think they were ready for that kind of commitment and work (David is 6 and Jessi is 3). If I may be vunerable for a moment, I admit that I was stunned. I honestly thought they would say yes. I tried to be cool about it, and I said, "Well, we just don't want them to become property of the state", to which she replied, "Oh, no, we'd take them before it came to that". Well, that was the whole point of putting them as their guardians in our wills. Once we are dead, they won't have a leg to stand on unless specified in our will.

Many years ago my sister-in-law asked me if Robert and I would take my niece and raise her if anything happened to her and my brother Bob. I think Brynna was about eight at the time (she's now sixteen). We did not have children at the time, nor were we planning on having children, and to be honest I wouldn't have known what to do with a kid, but Robert and I talked about it and we decided that we would do it. Not only would it give Bob and Rhonda peace of mind about what would happen to Brynna, but our niece would be with us. I took that request of Rhonda's very seriously, and it stands to this day. If anything happened to Rhonda and Bob, I fully assume to become Brynna's guardian.

I think all of this is why I was so shocked that J told me no. I suppose I should be more giving in this situation than I am, but to be honest I am feeling horribly rejected. I'm feeling like my children have been rejected. And I wish they had come to us and told us, instead of answering me almost as in a afterthought. Things have not been the same for me since, and I wish there was some way I could discuss it with her. Couple that the fact that she has rekindled a relashionship with an old friend (the two had been very close several years ago, but had had a nasty fall out) and the two have become thick as thieves. I'm genuinely glad they have ended their animosity towards one another, but I'm afraid that now I have been replaced. Don't get me wrong; I have not been treated any differently necessarily, but that 'exclusive closeness' is just not there anymore. I've tried to push these feelings aside, and I'm still here for her if she needs me, but I don't "share" best friendships very well. I never have. I like to have close friends, but I'm also the type that likes the exclusiveness of one special friend, one that I can trust with anything. I thought I had that, but now I'm not so sure. And, of course, the more I dwell on it the more upset I get. I've been praying about it, and praying for them (it's hard to be angry with someone when you are praying for them) and some days are better than others, but I still have those upsetting moments.

sigh. I keep telling my children not to be in such a hurry to grow up, for things are not much easier once you are grown; somehow the fact that we can eat dessert first if we so desire does not comfort me in times like this.

On a happier note: I'm getting together with Brynna tonight to rehearse "What Child Is This" for next Sunday morning service. She's playing the harp and I'm singing. She plays beautifully, and it will be an honor to perform with her.:)
|