...i am a princess on the way to my throne...



Before I begin, I want you to know this post will talk about things that might make you uncomfortable. I am going to talk about things I do not usually talk about, and say things you may not want to hear. In a nutshell: I can't help it. It's a rather dark post, for it's been that kind of morning.

Please don't think bad of me for bearing my soul on some things that have been on my mind. I need to express them. Why I feel I need to do it in a public venue, I don't know; maybe it's the "urge to confess" that brings cleasing, or maybe it's just because I'm an exibitionist by nature. I don't know, but I don't really care the reason, only the fact that I'm going to speak what's on my heart and pray that people understand.

I fail at so many things it's pathetic. I'm a failure. However, the mere fact that I fail does not make me a failure, but the fact that I do not take control over those things that caused me to fail in the first place does. I'm a procrastinator; not the cutesy, arrives-fashionably-late procrastinator, but a hardcore, this -is-a-disease kind of one. It's debilitating, to the point where I have anxiety attacks when I try to get off my butt and get something that I've let go done. I don't understand it, I don't know why I'm this way, but I'm fighting it with everything that I have. I'm desperately trying to pray through, but I'm wondering if this isn't my cross to bear, the thing that keeps me fighting and working and humble. I just don't know, but I hate it and, in many ways, it causes me to hate myself.

For example: I promised Jo I would send her some designs back in January. She wanted them for Nashville, which I assumed was the Nashville CATS (it was actually Market, which was in Feb. but I thought that was in Charlotte. DUH!!). Well, time got away from me, I forgot, I was distracted, insert whatever excuse you want, but Market came and went and when I realized it was for Market and not the August CATS she was refering to I just about died of embarrasment. I feel like such a flaming, stupid idiot. I just can't stress that enough. But, if I had finished the designs on the timetable I had set for myself and given them to her, all of this would have been a moot point for she would have had them for Marked and CATS Nashville. My procrastination has caused me embarrasment and failure once again. And this is just a small example! Then there is some gridding I said I would do for someone over a year ago (forgot about it, just found it, and kept meaning to return it but for some stupid, unexplainable reason I kept putting it off), and a bookmark I own someone that is two months late...dear God, what is WRONG WITH ME??????? Why do I continue to do these things, when I know it's causing myself pain? Sometimes I get on top of things and I feel great, and other times I let myself go and I become the very cause of my own stress.

The truth is, I can't depend on myself. And that is a miserable thing to live with.

I know my procrastination is the source of my depression, or a good part of it. They go hand in hand. The only good thing is that I recognize this now and I can get God's help, if He'll help me. The Bible says He will, but there are times when I think I've screwed things up so bad that I'm beyond help.

And I stink as a parent. It's true, I'm totally clueless. My son has some major issues going on, and I lose my patience so much. He's brilliant, smart, but strong willed and headstrong. He's also an emotional basketcase sometimes (gets that from his mom) and I just feel so clueless on how to deal with it. I get so tired of feeling like I'm floundering. Again, I feel like I'm failing him and his sister. Nearly every day I think, "Okay, how am I going to screw my kids up today? What decision am I going to make that will scar them for life"? It's awful. People have told me this is the nature of parenting, but I can't continue to just leave things to chance. These are my children, and they deserve better from a mother than just "chance". The truth is, I have no clue what I'm doing. I can't even enjoy my children because I'm too wrapped up in failing them.

God, please help me.

And I'm angry. I'm angry at Laura for copping out. And yes, that's what she did. I know she was hurting; she told me so. I've been sitting on this for so long; I know people who didn't know the story eventually figured out it was suicide, but out of respect for Neil I chose not to use 'the' word until he used it himself in his blog. It's out, it's open, it's the hardcore truth surrouding her death. I know how debilitating depression is; I suffer from it nearly every day. I *know* what it's like to feel worthless and struggle with feeling like a failure; read above post. But what the heck kind of legacy does suicide leave for your loved ones, anyway? It about broke my heart when I read how devestated her mom was after she had read Laura's blog. Laura rarely, if ever, painted her mom in a favorable light, and now that's all her mother has of her daughter. What an awful thing to live with. And Neil? Sure, he's coping, but what the heck else is he supposed to do? Laura chose to leave him, not the other way around. Of course he's going to move on. It's all so SENSELESS. It's just a waste of a beautiful life that she just threw away because she couldn't deal with things. I was her friend, and I'll never, ever hear from her again. I'll never be able to see her name, or see her posts. I nearly had a heartattack the other day, because I saw a username on the Mirabilia board that I could have sworn was hers. When I did a double-take, I saw it obviously wasn't hers, and I found myself bitterly resenting her for choosing to remove herself from her loved ones forever. And yet, I would have forgiven everything just to have her back and saying it was all a very bad joke and that she really is okay.

*Why*?? Just why? I get so tired of hearing how "they're at peace now". Well, what about the loved ones who are left behind, what kind of peace do they have? Suicide is not a victimless action, far from it; it's the family and friends who have to cope and deal, and try to have all the questions answered, when there are no answers. It is the ulitmate in selfish acts, and it devestates those left behind.

I miss her so much. I didn't even live in the same country as she, and yet I feel like I've lost someone who lived next door. It just hurts. I can't even imagine what her parents are going through.

Right before Laura disappeared from the internet, I has resigned admining the Mirabilia board. There were too many things going on in my life, and I just couldn't deal with any outside responsibilities. I left things to her and Angi and I pretty much withdrew. Several months flew by, and things had stabilized enough that I decided to come back the following spring. Angi had told me Laura had just kind of vanished not long after I left, and had even blacked out her blog. Since I wasn't keeping up with blogs at the time, I had no idea. There was a thread on the Mira board asking about her, and one of her friends (I don't remember who it was) said she was okay and just taking a break. Well, stupid me, but I took that at face value and thought she was doing what I had done and was chilling out. Sometimes people just need space and they take it. Well, time went by, everyone was groovy, and I appointed Dana as another admin, for I figured Laura would come back when she wanted. My biggest mistake, and biggest regret, is that I assumed everything was alright. I did not e-mail her, for I thought it would be bugging her. I was trying to respect her space, but as it turned out I was only driving her further away from me.

Finally, she started posting in her blog again and posted once or twice on the Mira board. I was so happy!! I sent her a happy e-mail, and left her a comment on her blog cheering her return, and that's when I noticed it: she had deleted my blog link. I instantly knew something was not right, for I was one of the first people she had listed on her blog, and was also one of the reasons she started blogging in the first place (or so she told me). I knew if she deleted my blog then it was a deliberate move on her behalf. I wrote her and asked her about it, because I wanted to know if I had done anything wrong. She wrote me back, and told me that all the time she had been gone she had gotten e-mails of concern from everyone except one of the people she had considered one of her best friends, and that was me. She said she was so hurt and felt so destroyed that I had not written her. I was stunned, and promptly apologized and explained myself, and through a long series of e-mails we sorted things out. Things were still a little tepid, but they were getting back to where they had been. She told me that she knew she no longer felt any grudge against me, for now when she thought about me she only felt love. I don't remember how long this was before she died, but I wish none of it had ever happened. What's so ironic about all of this is that during that time she was gone I thought many times about jetting her an e-mail, but then thought I might be imposing on her if she truly wanted time away from the 'net. And then other times I thought about it I put it off, and procrastinated. And then other times I simply couldn't be bothered.

Laura thought of me as one of her best friends, and in her eyes I couldn't even be bothered to see if she was okay. True or not, that was how she felt. It helped drive her into a feeling of insecurity and low self-worth, and I have no doubt in my mind that if I had taken the time and sent one little e-mail, despite all of my reasoning and feelings, then she might still be here today. It might have shown her how I did care about her, how we all cared about her, and how bitterly I miss her. I believe I could have helped reach through that debilitating depression of hers. For whatever reason, Laura trusted me. Maybe she would have trusted me when I told her how special I thought she was and how much I admired her. But no, I never did, not in those words. And I should have. It might have helped.

And now I'll never know. The chance is gone, the opportunity is over, all because she decided she'd had enough. She robbed herself the chance to feel special. She robbed herself the chance to get well. And she robbed herself the chance to see how everyone truly loved her.

I told her I loved her, but I guess I didn't tell her enough. And now I'll never be able to tell her that again.

So...I guess all this is my legacy at the moment. A depressed, procratinating failure who possibly, inadvertantly helped drive a dear friend to suicide. That is not a mantle I would wish for anyone, and yet it is the burden I carry upon my shoulders at this moment. I will get through this, and I have no doubt I will come through the other side with a smile on my face and a fresh perspective, but in the meantime God has a lot of work to do in my heart to help me see things any different.
{{{Stacey}}} You are being so tremendously hard on yourself. From expecting yourself to be a perfect parent, to expecting yourself to be a flawless human being, to blaming yourself for Laura's decision to leave everyone and everything behind.

You're not a failure! EVERYONE puts things off, I do it, my DH does it, everyone I know does it. You are just one of the 10 million or so people in this world who procrastinates.

I remember when my grandmother was still alive. She kept asking me to roll the coins in her piggy bank. I kept putting it off and putting it off. Sure enough, she passed away, and I had never rolled her coins for her. I felt so tremendously guilty and sorry. I beat myself up that I should have spent more time with her in general, should have, could have, would have. I rolled up those coins a week after she died, and I cried the whole time.

We ALL do the same thing to ourselves when we lose someone we love. We tell ourselves we should have been there more, done more, said more. When the loss is through suicide, we really do a number on ourselves--What if I had called that day? What if I said such and such that last time I saw her? What if I sent that e-mail? How could I have missed the signs? It's human nature to feel that way. The truth is, suicide just blindsides you. There was nothing you could have said or done, there was no sign you missed. Everyone in her life was stunned. People who saw her on a regular basis were stunned. How can you expect yourself to see things, know things, and ultimately prevent her actions that day from an entire country away??

As long as we are alive and on this earth we are going to make mistakes, going to have flaws and imperfections. You can't expect anything more of yourself than to simply be who you are--which is a wonderful, talented, giving, intelligent, loving, person.

I just want to reach through the computer and hug you. It normal to feel so angry and sad. But please don't turn your sorrow and anger inward at yourself. You have far far too much to offer your family, the community, the world and yourself for that. {{{ hugs }}}
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