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...i am a princess on the way to my throne...

4.14.2006

Reflection 

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write me and leave comments. I never expected the wealth of support that came flooding at me, and to be honest it has left me a little shaken. Once again, I think of Laura and the support she had, and I think I've finally realized that in the end it did not matter. She had her own pain to deal with and in the end she just could not handle it, regardless of how everyone else felt about her.

I am feeling a lot better today. I'm starting to put things in perspective. How can one person go from such a dark, depressive moment to one of near-perfect clarity in a day or two? Well, I've done a lot of thinking. I've done a lot of reflecting. I've also allowed myself the grace to feel angry and upset, and I've stopped making excuses for myself. There is liberation in truth, and a freedom that surpasses nothing. Once we realize things about ourselves that are not pleasant, the knee-jerk reaction is going to be sorrow and self-pity (as was mine over my procrastination and my anger towards Laura's suicide). Once I wrote about that, it seemed like a burden had been lifted from me. It seems this journal really is more to me than just a 'fun' place to write, but it's actually helping me put a lot of things in perspective.

There are a couple of things in the comments that I want to address. Someone asked if I was a single parent, because I kept using the term "my children" instead of "our children". I do indeed have a husband, and I don't think I could make some days without Robert. He has been a rock in my life, and he is a wonderful father. I love him dearly. The truth of it, however, is that when he is at work and there is a struggle, the children are indeed 'mine' and not 'ours'. Think of it, moms: you are having an especially hard day with your kids, and how many times do you stop to reflect on "our" kids? Nope, at that moment they are all yours, because Dad is not there to help deal with a tough situation; you have to deal with it yourself at that moment. That's just the way it is, and when David and I have a go-around, it can be extrememly draining. When Robert gets home we immediately share the burden, but during the day it's my responsibility. And yes: sometimes I do feel like I'm way in over my head. I can honestly say parenting is the hardest job on the planet.

When I spoke of my son being 'brilliant', I meant it. He has one of the sharpest minds I've ever encountered. His father was tested when he was in kindergarten, and he tested as a genius (which stands true to this day; and both of them are too smart for their own good sometimes!). When David started K-4 he already knew everything the other children were just learning, and he would get extrememly bored and distracted (the same holds for his class today). There was talk of moving him to K-5 and possibly 1st grade, but his motor skills and maturity level just would not allow that. He is amazingly creative, and very hyper-active. Some of you may not know this, but nearly two years ago he went on an 'adventure'; he decided early one morning to climb the fence in our backyard and play with some of the toys in the neighbor's yard. It was dark, and he went for a walk and got lost. He was gone for two days. I can't tell you what my husband and I went through during that time (we were suspected by the police of harming David, but considering the freaks out there that do harm their kids I guess that was normal), but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was the only One who sustained us. I'm convinced He sent an angel to guide my son to the open rental house he was found in, for it provided food and shelter. Well, I believe some of that trauma still haunts David, for lately he's been extremely clingy at school and causing major disruptions when I try and leave. And honestly? Sometimes he's just throwing a fit because he's not getting his way. The struggle comes to me from trying to decipher the difference, and I can't even describe how weary it makes me. He's been doing this for over a week, and each morning has literally been a bombshell. I wrote my last post after having that kind of morning, and I always second-guess myself. His sister is 3, and Jessi is a completely different temperment than her brother. She's more like me: mostly laid back with a propensity to be dramatic and emotional. David is like his father: brilliant (in every way), imaginative, moody and emotional. Well, since both the children get 'emotional' from us, you can imagine at times there is an awful lot of "emotions" that fly around this place!:)

Sometimes things are just hard. God never promises in His word that life will be easy for the Christian; oh, no, on the contrary. The devil is going to fight you with everything he has, and the Bible tells us that in the last days he will literally wear out the saints. Well, I'm feeling pretty weary. I always try to be the source of comfort to others, and I try to be so positive on the boards. I don't want to spread negitivity and bring others down, so I try to keep my problems to myself. But I realize that there is comfort in sharing, for others have been there. I wish Laura could have grasped that. She hurt so badly and so deeply that she probably thought there was no one in the world who could understand her lonliness, her emptiness, althought all of us have been there at one time or another. I know I've felt that ache more than once, and I've held on to God with everything I've had. I honestly don't know how people make it without Him in their lives, for there are times when He has to literally carry me for I just can't walk anymore.

I will write more later, but right now I need some coffee. There is so much I want to say, and so many of you I want to thank, just for being here for me and offering a "I know where you're coming from". I appreciate all of you so much.
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